Children and Competition

March 19th, 2010
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

I’ve recently begun making the college rounds with my sixteen-year-old son, an experience I went through with my eighteen-year old daughter last year.

When in the thick of visiting campuses across the country, reviewing application expectations and feverishly researching acceptance odds at each university in consideration, I cannot help but marvel at how competitive the process has become.

There are basically three schools of thought when it comes to competition. Competition is:

·  healthy, necessary and character-building,
·  unhealthy, unnecessary and responsible for adversely affecting  our children’s self-esteem or
·  healthy or unhealthy contingent upon the situation.

Why has college competition become so vigorous? And can it possibly be healthy for our children?

I have to wonder when I read headlines such as “Families seek counseling for college stress.”  In fact, a recent education.com article tells the story with similar media headlines: “Colleges send record number of rejections; competition for admission soaring,” and “Student agony grows along with top colleges’ wait lists.”

Personally, I believe that a moderate level of healthy competition is necessary to prepare our children for life’s inevitable win/lose situations.  However, too much emphasis on winning and always “being and achieving the best” can lead children to tie their feelings of self-worth to external sources of affirmation. So it’s a good day when he or she wins the race, lands the lead in the school musical, sets the grading curve on a math exam or takes the trophy in a school spelling bee. But when they lose, they lose a bit of themselves.

It might surprise you to learn (as it surprised me) that the college competition driving media headlines is not due to the fact that prerequisites have gone up and/or we are running out of space for our growing population of eighteen-year-olds at all of our accredited four-year universities…it is due to the fact that our children are largely competing to win admission into around the same 100 schools; the ones perceived as the best.

As Bill Mayher, author of The College Admissions Mystique succinctly put it, “It’s hard for kids to get into colleges because they only want to get into colleges that are hard to get into.”

Your turn! What do you think?

Is competition healthy for our children?

If so, how early, how much and to what end?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

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Children and Too Much Praise…

March 9th, 2010
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!
 
Several years ago a Wall Street Journal article by Jeffrey Zaslow caught my eye. It began: 
 
“You, You, You — you really are special, you are! You’ve got everything going for you. You’re attractive, witty, brilliant. “Gifted” is the word that comes to mind.” 
 
The article was titled “Most Praised Generation Craves Kudos at the Office,” and went on to explain how over-praising children had led to a generation of self-centered young adults who craved appreciation and constant feedback in the workplace.
 
At the time, Zaslow’s article struck a chord with me, as 95% of my employees at the New York Kids Club happened to be under the age of 30 and fell into this so-called “most-praised generation” category.
 
While I believed I was doing a good job of recognizing the truly exemplary employees, I wondered if the expectations of the team as a whole were being met.
 
So, I appointed a member of the management team to serve as an on-staff “confetti coordinator” to acknowledge jobs well done by dolling out gift cards and congratulatory notes in an effort to keep up employee morale.
 
I launched an annual company achievement awards program and began hosting a quarterly dinner party to celebrate the performance of five employees.
 
To this day, I am constantly seeking new and creative ways to reward deserving employees.
 
Zaslow’s article came to mind again this past week when I found myself pondering the question, “is the cycle of over-praising our youth repeating itself today?”
 
Perhaps.
 
At the New York Kids Club, we recently implemented a rule that parents and caregivers can no longer reward their two-and three-year-old preschool program participants with a lollipop in the lobby after every single day of class attendance.
 
This came after concern was expressed from other parents in the facility that were not applauding and passing out candy and congratulations to their little ones for taking class.
 
The decision did not come without resistance. Feedback included, “What harm is there in a little lollipop?”
 
It’s not the lollipop that concerns me. It’s how the child will feel the day you’re not right there with the treat.
 
I completely support giving praise where praise is due. But I will never be one to dilute the sentiment of truly deserved recognition by passing out obligatory prizes or compliments at every turn. Not with my employees…and not with my children.

Your turn! What do you think?

In your opinion, are we over-praising our children today?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

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Are We Over-Diagnosing Our Children?

March 2nd, 2010
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

Does your preschooler throw the occasional temper tantrum?

If so, your little one could be suffering from “temper dysregulation with dysphoria” or TDD–a diagnosable psychiatric disorder.

This is one of many new labels our children may receive when an updated version of the leading psychiatric diagnostic manual, the DSM-V, is released in 2013.

We’ll add this to the growing list of conditions that have apparently come to plague the youth of America over the past few decades; a list including everything from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Attachment Disorder and Conduct Disorder to phobias and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Consider Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), for example. There was a time when a high-energy child with a vivid imagination and short attention span would have been considered bright and creative. He or she may even have been placed in an accelerated learning program. Today, the same child may receive the ADHD diagnosis and an accompanying Ritalin prescription.

Now, I have always been leery of labeling and medicating our children for behaviors that have been considered a part of normal childhood development for centuries.

On the other hand, I have seen first-hand in my work at the New York Kid’s Club, how severely a hyperactive child who behaves poorly can disrupt the learning environment for the students—and the teaching environment for the instructor. 

Are these named conditions and subsequent medications the answer to creating calmer and more manageable classrooms?

Or are they simply ways of scientifically explaining why our children are behaving like children?

Your turn! What do you think?

In your opinion, are we over-diagnosing and/or over-medicating our children?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

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Children and Too Much Homework?

February 23rd, 2010
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

Out of curiosity, I decided to weigh my 13-year old’s backpack.

17.5 pounds!

A recent Consumer Reports study found the average middle-school backpack weighs in at 18.4 pounds, with some weighing up to 30 pounds.

So, I guess this qualifies my daughter’s backpack as underweight… wow.

Why the heavy load? Much of it can be accounted for by the textbooks my child totes to and from school each day in order to complete homework assignments.

Now, as a whole, I believe homework is an important part of the schooling process, promoting independent thinking, time-management skills, self-discipline and responsibility.

However, I also believe there must be a balance between “book learning” and “life learning.”

As adults, we are surrounded by experts preaching the necessity of finding a work/life balance. It’s an ongoing journey–I strive to find that balance each day.

For example, in my home, my husband and I make a diligent effort to prevent business affairs from interrupting our family dinner and evening time together.

But evening time together post-dinner on school nights grows sparser each year as my four children excuse themselves and disappear to their respective study nooks to continue their studies.

In fact, my two high school-aged children spend up to six hours each evening and a total of at least six hours each weekend studying and/or completing homework assignments. Further–every school break and holiday includes hours and hours of homework!

It appears that as the emphasis on high-stakes testing and college competition has increased over the last decade, so too has the expectation that our children spend their school nights, weekends and holidays plowing through homework to keep up.

And I can share from personal experience that too much homework can overwhelm even the brightest students, causing them to disengage from friends, family and school subjects they once loved.

So how much homework is too much? It depends on who you ask. Education experts Peggy Gisler and Marge Eberts believe students should receive 10 minutes each night for each grade.

Harris Cooper, a Duke University professor and expert on homework, states in a Washington Post article that according to studies, “up until fifth grade, homework should be very limited. Kids in middle school shouldn’t be spending more than 90 minutes a night on homework. In high school, the limit is two hours.”

Your turn! What do you think?

In your opinion, how much homework is too much?

Do you believe your child receives too much homework?

If so, how do you handle it?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

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Managing our Children’s Friendships

February 16th, 2010
Pam Wolf
New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

My youngest son has a best friend he adores. The two spend as much time together as all adult parties involved will allow, taking turns hosting one another in their homes. My son’s friend is well behaved, respectful and a pleasure to be around.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if each of our children’s friendships was this mutually beneficial?

All of my children, however, have been through phases where I’ve questioned whether a particular friend (or group of friends) was, how shall I say it, appropriate?

One of them will return from a friend’s house with an attitude I’ve never seen before. When confronted, I’ll hear the standard, “Jane talks to her mother like that and doesn’t get in trouble!” or “Everyone else stays out that late, why can’t I?

Of course, we’d like to believe our children will follow the examples set in our homes, even when we’re not around. 

The truth is, even the best parenting cannot prevent a child from possibly falling in with the wrong crowd or experimenting with a new behavior out of peer-led curiosity.

So how do we “manage” our children’s friendships while still granting them the freedom to make–and learn from–their mistakes?

I believe it begins with participation. While I don’t pick my children’s friends, I make sure I know who they are. I talk to my children often about their friendships and I never hesitate to let them know when a behavior they’ve picked up along the way is unacceptable. 

Your turn!

Do you “pick” your children’s friends?

How do you handle “learned behaviors” that come from their friendships?

Have you…or would you…end one of your children’s friendships if there was cause for concern?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

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Children and Privacy—Is Anything Off-Limits?

February 9th, 2010
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

A friend told me a blog-provoking story yesterday–she’d found a notebook in her ten-year-old daughter’s bedroom with a page titled, “Boys I’ve kissed.” The list contained the names of five neighborhood boys, all a year or two older than her daughter.

Now, the first question running through my mind is, “How would I address this with one of my daughters?”

But my friend was focused on an entirely different question: “Should I have been going through my daughter’s things to begin with?”

She felt guilty and wondered if she should even bring it up, considering the way she’d come across the information.

I empathized with her plight.

With four children aged 18 and under in my own home, privacy and personal boundaries are common topics of discourse.

There is a fine line between protecting our children from themselves and others and, well, snooping.

The privacy boundaries are clear when our children are very young–there aren’t any.

Then comes the day when they close the bathroom door.

In the blink of an eye, backpacks, bedrooms, purses, wallets, cell phones, journals and anything else they deem “theirs” become off-limits.

It’s easy to believe the motto “privacy is a privilege,” which implies that if a child is trustworthy, and gives us no cause for concern they’ve earned that privilege. 

In my opinion, even a trustworthy child needs guidance, protection–and sometimes an adult intervention.

Your turn!

How much privacy do children need? 

How do you establish the boundaries in your home?

And, if you did stumble upon something troubling amongst your child’s belongings, what would you do?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

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Consequences- What Works?

February 2nd, 2010
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

I’d wager to say we’ve all been there–facing one of our beloved children who has crossed a behavioral line.

We know the behavior must be addressed.  And we know there must be a consequence.

Now, in my book, consequences are different than punishments.  Where punishments are really retributions (you hurt me, so I hurt you), consequences fall into the cause-and-effect category.

In a perfect scenario, the consequences are immediate and directly related to the cause. For example, the consequence of not paying your taxes on time is a fine.

The challenge is coming up with consequences for our children that are effective, meaningful and non-punitive.

Adding to the challenge is that, unlike laws–which levy the same penalties for everyone–consequences for children can’t be the same across the board. What works for one child may not work for another.

Take suspending allowances–for one of my children it’s the ultimate penalty; another couldn’t care less.
So, I tailor consequences accordingly (making sure I underscore my disappointment is with the behavior itself and not the child).

Your turn!

What consequences are most effective in your home?

How do you determine consequences; are they the same for each child?

And what are your tips for making them stick- even when it inconveniences you. 

LET IT OUT!
 
Pam Wolf

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Raising Children in a Recession -What Do We Cut from our Parenting Budgets?

January 26th, 2010
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!
 
It seems every conversation these days includes some reference to the state of our economy.
 
Parents are just as likely to share cost-savings tips, as they are to schedule play dates.
 
Cutting our adult-related costs may seem painful, but we know what to do: skip the lattes, control the impulse shopping excursions, scale back the vacation budget, etc.
 
When it comes to our children, however, cost-cutting decisions are more difficult.
 
There are the obvious necessities: food, water, clothing and shelter.
 
But what about the other money we spend on our children for after-school sports classes, music lessons, tutors, summer camps, gifts, entertainment and even private school tuition?
 
When it becomes necessary to cut back on these expenditures, how do you determine what stays and what goes?
 
For example, I’ve always placed a high value on enrichment activities. (In fact, it was participating in classes with my children when they were very young that inspired me to found the New York Kids Club.) So, in my home, there are many other things we will do without (such as pricy gifts) before cutting back on extracurricular spending.
 
Your turn! Let’s talk about your child-related expenditures. 
 
What, if anything, have you cut back on in your home? How did you determine what went first?
 
LET IT OUT!
 
Pam Wolf

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A Technological Playground: Children and Cell Phones…

January 18th, 2010
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club! 

Long gone are the days when cellular phones were luxuries reserved for senior-level business executives and well-to-do early adopters. 

And while the handheld communication gadgets have only been around a little over twenty-five years, they are on the verge of becoming utilities in our daily lives. 

In fact, some may argue they are as crucial to their existence as electricity, gas and water. 

Slowly but, surely, cell phones have become more accessible, more affordable and more difficult to imagine life without. 

According to CTIA, a national wireless association, 89% of the US population subscribes to a cellular phone service. The trend has quickly trickled down to the next generation, with children as young as four and five toting cell phones, such as the Firefly.

Now, I am an entrepreneur at heart and strive to stay on the cutting-edge of technology. 

However, it’s one thing to explore and embrace new technologies as an adult.It’s different to simply turn our children loose on this emerging technological playground. 

Your turn! Let’s talk about children and cell phones: 

How old is old enough? 

If your child has a cell phone, what are the boundaries in your home? 

And, if you’re not handing one over to your child, let us know why not. 

LET IT OUT! 

Pam Wolf

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You Are Being Watched…

January 8th, 2010
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

I have some news… you are being watched.

Yes, watched…closely and intently.

By your children, that is.

Our children are always watching…looking up to us for guidance and example.

So this week, let’s examine the example we are setting in our homes where healthful eating and exercise are concerned.

Many of you have set personal New Year’s resolutions, vowing to make changes to your diets.  Maybe you are working on eating less… passing on salt or sugar…or actually using the gym membership you’ve been paying for each month for years.

What about the health of our children? We live in a world of partially hydrogenated oils, corn syrup solids and candy bars calling from the newsstand entrances of nearly every subway line.

Now remember…they are always watching.

If I’m having Poppycock and egg nog at 9:00 pm (which I don’t recall ever doing, but you get the picture), no matter what holiday or special occasion I am using to justify the indulgence, my four children will be happily partaking; hungry or not.

Likewise, suppose I am skipping dinner each evening in attempt to shed a few pounds. My children could be watching me create anxiety around food….and anxiety in children translates to fear.

So, is it truly “everything in moderation?”

Or more accurately…”everything in moderation except for the list of no-no foods tacked to the refrigerator door fresh from the pages of Skinny Bitch?”

In my home, when one family member is cutting back a little for health reasons, we all trade our ice cream for fresh fruit come dessert time.

Your turn!

What are you doing for yourself, your children and your family to encourage healthy eating and exercise in your household?

What works?

What are some tips for cultivating a healthy lifestyle without emanating food-related anxiety that could drive our children into over-indulgence or restriction?

LET IT OUT,

Pam Wolf

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