Archive for February, 2010

Children and Too Much Homework?

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

Out of curiosity, I decided to weigh my 13-year old’s backpack.

17.5 pounds!

A recent Consumer Reports study found the average middle-school backpack weighs in at 18.4 pounds, with some weighing up to 30 pounds.

So, I guess this qualifies my daughter’s backpack as underweight… wow.

Why the heavy load? Much of it can be accounted for by the textbooks my child totes to and from school each day in order to complete homework assignments.

Now, as a whole, I believe homework is an important part of the schooling process, promoting independent thinking, time-management skills, self-discipline and responsibility.

However, I also believe there must be a balance between “book learning” and “life learning.”

As adults, we are surrounded by experts preaching the necessity of finding a work/life balance. It’s an ongoing journey–I strive to find that balance each day.

For example, in my home, my husband and I make a diligent effort to prevent business affairs from interrupting our family dinner and evening time together.

But evening time together post-dinner on school nights grows sparser each year as my four children excuse themselves and disappear to their respective study nooks to continue their studies.

In fact, my two high school-aged children spend up to six hours each evening and a total of at least six hours each weekend studying and/or completing homework assignments. Further–every school break and holiday includes hours and hours of homework!

It appears that as the emphasis on high-stakes testing and college competition has increased over the last decade, so too has the expectation that our children spend their school nights, weekends and holidays plowing through homework to keep up.

And I can share from personal experience that too much homework can overwhelm even the brightest students, causing them to disengage from friends, family and school subjects they once loved.

So how much homework is too much? It depends on who you ask. Education experts Peggy Gisler and Marge Eberts believe students should receive 10 minutes each night for each grade.

Harris Cooper, a Duke University professor and expert on homework, states in a Washington Post article that according to studies, “up until fifth grade, homework should be very limited. Kids in middle school shouldn’t be spending more than 90 minutes a night on homework. In high school, the limit is two hours.”

Your turn! What do you think?

In your opinion, how much homework is too much?

Do you believe your child receives too much homework?

If so, how do you handle it?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

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Managing our Children’s Friendships

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
Pam Wolf
New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

My youngest son has a best friend he adores. The two spend as much time together as all adult parties involved will allow, taking turns hosting one another in their homes. My son’s friend is well behaved, respectful and a pleasure to be around.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if each of our children’s friendships was this mutually beneficial?

All of my children, however, have been through phases where I’ve questioned whether a particular friend (or group of friends) was, how shall I say it, appropriate?

One of them will return from a friend’s house with an attitude I’ve never seen before. When confronted, I’ll hear the standard, “Jane talks to her mother like that and doesn’t get in trouble!” or “Everyone else stays out that late, why can’t I?

Of course, we’d like to believe our children will follow the examples set in our homes, even when we’re not around. 

The truth is, even the best parenting cannot prevent a child from possibly falling in with the wrong crowd or experimenting with a new behavior out of peer-led curiosity.

So how do we “manage” our children’s friendships while still granting them the freedom to make–and learn from–their mistakes?

I believe it begins with participation. While I don’t pick my children’s friends, I make sure I know who they are. I talk to my children often about their friendships and I never hesitate to let them know when a behavior they’ve picked up along the way is unacceptable. 

Your turn!

Do you “pick” your children’s friends?

How do you handle “learned behaviors” that come from their friendships?

Have you…or would you…end one of your children’s friendships if there was cause for concern?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

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Children and Privacy—Is Anything Off-Limits?

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

A friend told me a blog-provoking story yesterday–she’d found a notebook in her ten-year-old daughter’s bedroom with a page titled, “Boys I’ve kissed.” The list contained the names of five neighborhood boys, all a year or two older than her daughter.

Now, the first question running through my mind is, “How would I address this with one of my daughters?”

But my friend was focused on an entirely different question: “Should I have been going through my daughter’s things to begin with?”

She felt guilty and wondered if she should even bring it up, considering the way she’d come across the information.

I empathized with her plight.

With four children aged 18 and under in my own home, privacy and personal boundaries are common topics of discourse.

There is a fine line between protecting our children from themselves and others and, well, snooping.

The privacy boundaries are clear when our children are very young–there aren’t any.

Then comes the day when they close the bathroom door.

In the blink of an eye, backpacks, bedrooms, purses, wallets, cell phones, journals and anything else they deem “theirs” become off-limits.

It’s easy to believe the motto “privacy is a privilege,” which implies that if a child is trustworthy, and gives us no cause for concern they’ve earned that privilege. 

In my opinion, even a trustworthy child needs guidance, protection–and sometimes an adult intervention.

Your turn!

How much privacy do children need? 

How do you establish the boundaries in your home?

And, if you did stumble upon something troubling amongst your child’s belongings, what would you do?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

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Consequences- What Works?

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

I’d wager to say we’ve all been there–facing one of our beloved children who has crossed a behavioral line.

We know the behavior must be addressed.  And we know there must be a consequence.

Now, in my book, consequences are different than punishments.  Where punishments are really retributions (you hurt me, so I hurt you), consequences fall into the cause-and-effect category.

In a perfect scenario, the consequences are immediate and directly related to the cause. For example, the consequence of not paying your taxes on time is a fine.

The challenge is coming up with consequences for our children that are effective, meaningful and non-punitive.

Adding to the challenge is that, unlike laws–which levy the same penalties for everyone–consequences for children can’t be the same across the board. What works for one child may not work for another.

Take suspending allowances–for one of my children it’s the ultimate penalty; another couldn’t care less.
So, I tailor consequences accordingly (making sure I underscore my disappointment is with the behavior itself and not the child).

Your turn!

What consequences are most effective in your home?

How do you determine consequences; are they the same for each child?

And what are your tips for making them stick- even when it inconveniences you. 

LET IT OUT!
 
Pam Wolf

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Posted in New York Parents | 2 Comments »