I’m not the only one.  The majority of New Yorkers, especially busy moms, are walking around town talking or typing on their little cellular pacifiers.  But there are certainly plenty of non hands-free moments in a mom’s life, and the playground presents many of them.  When LITTLE GUY is risking life and limb conquering the monkey bars, I need to have my focus on him and my arms ready to catch.

But there are also those serene sandbox moments when LITTLE GUY isn’t endangering himself and others and as my mind wonders, my life starts to creep up on me….schedules to arrange, babysitters to book, friends to email and oh-my-I-forgot-to-call-my-mother-and-thank-her-for-the-ugly-dress-she-sent-YOUNG-LADY-for-her-birthday calls.  And before I know it, the beast is out of its cage and I’m lost in iPhone land.

It was on such an ironically tranquil occasion that LITTLE GUY decided it would be a good idea to deposit a large quantity of sand into the mouth of the child sitting one dirt mound over.  I was on the phone with work, trying (once again) to get my life organized in such a way that I am able to do my job and make a living without ignoring my children. (PS., if anyone has the answer to that one please leave comments below!) I was talking to the one person who could help me complete a project in time for our family vacation when the screaming started. LITTLE GUY had broken sandbox code, and it was my fault for not paying attention.  There I was, on the phone trying to find a way to make more time for parenting, and the result was me ignoring my kid to the detriment of others.

Most of us spend way too much time on the phone when we should be paying attention to our kids.  On the other hand, we’re being asked to juggle so many things at once, it’s often not possible to devote 100% of the afternoon to motherhood.  Most of us need to multi-task.  But shouldn’t there be times when even the most pressing issues have to be placed on the back burner?  Should the playground, a place where safety is more of an issue than most, be a phone-free zone?  If it was, would I stop going for fear of missing a text?

What do YOU think?

My children collect stuff.  YOUNG LADY (age seven) has two desks full of art projects and random coloring books she just can’t throw out.  LITTLE GUY (age three) always has a toy, book or stuffed animal in his hands wherever he goes.  This includes the bathroom, bed and of course the playground.  As a type-A mom who likes things organized and can’t tolerate clutter,  I’m about two seconds away from calling the producers of “Hoarders” for a reality TV intervention on my kids.

Since LITTLE GUY hasn’t left the house empty-handed in over two months, I’m constantly repeating the golden rule of playground toy-sharing: If you can’t share it, leave it at home.

When LITTLE GUY was two, it was easy.  He’d bring two shovels into the sandbox and another kid would want to use one.  LITTLE GUY would start to protest, “No!  Dat MINE!” and then I’d say “Hey, look up!  An airplane!” and LITTLE GUY would forget all about the other kid.  Both kids would be happy, and more importantly, there was no tension between me and the other kids parent or nanny.

But now that LITTLE GUY is becoming a “Big Man”, he’s not so easily distracted.  Now the conversation goes something more like this:

LITTLE GUY:        No!  Dat MINE                                                                                                   ME:                         Remember, if you can’t share it, leave it at home.                                        LITTLE GUY:        How ‘bout we don’t do dat?                                                                              ME:                         How ‘bout we do?                                                                                                LITTLE GUY:        Hey Mama!  Look up!  An airplane!

At which point I’m looking up and LITTLE GUY is running off in another direction, doing sinister “gotcha” laugh that he learned from an episode of Backyardigans.

I realize it’s a normal, developmental phase to want to control the world around you, especially the toys you can hold and own.  I’d be worried if my kid DIDN’T have occasional issues with sharing.  But in NYC, where the public playgrounds are our backyards, our kids get put to the test much more than suburban kids who only have to consider sharing with their siblings or the kids one yard over.

So that’s why I go back to the GOLDEN RULE: If you can’t share it, leave it home.  (This means you, little red-headed boy with the yellow firetruck.  You know who you are).

On the other hand, if I don’t let LITTLE GUY have anything that he owns be exclusively his, am I sending him the message that I don’t have any respect for his independence? If I make him leave important stuff at home, am I teaching him to be ashamed of who he is?  If I force him to share every toy, am I telling him that he has no control over his world?

What do YOU think?

Yesterday I was in a playground with my LITTLE GUY, age three, while some older boys took the sandbox by storm in a high powered game of water-gun tag.  They were using the summer of ’11 weapon of choice: The Max Liquidator Ultimate Water Shooter.

I’m the product of Vietnam-protesting, baby-boomer, hippie parents and I’ve been taught that wise parents don’t give their children pretend weapons to use as toys.

And then I had a son.

LITTLE GUY was 18 months old when he started using a paper towel roll as a sword.  I can’t imagine where he learned what a sword was, but there he was, diaper clad and challenging our six-pound toy poodle to a duel.  By age 2 he was turning everything into a weapon.  My LITTLE GUY had become my little soldier.

Then my father asked if he could buy LITTLE GUY a water gun.  (My Vietnam-protesting, peace-loving father who would NEVER have let me or my brother have a toy that involved any kind of shooting).  But the times, they are a-changin’ and not in the direction Bob Dylan meant.

I refused the gun on principle, pointed out the hypocrisy of my father’s offer and even questioned my decision to let LITTLE GUY and YOUNG LADY stay with their grandparents for the weekend.  (I didn’t give up the free babysitting.  I’m a pacifist, not an idiot).  But by the end of said weekend, I heard that LITTLE GUY had made his own water gun, ripping off the short end of a foam pool noodle and blowing water through it into the faces of unsuspecting swimmers.

Now here we were, in our local playground where (I thought) like-minded parents bring their little ones to play, and LITTLE GUY couldn’t take his eyes off of those big boys and their Max Liquidator Ultimate Water Shooters.  It was hero worship.  The boys were practically running in slow motion, the Star Wars them playing in the background.  And that’s when the biggest boy aimed at his friend and let go a rip of “Maximum Liquid Power”.  His intended target ducked, and this season’s trendiest playground shooter sent a blast of pure aqua awesomeness directly onto a baby nurse on a park bench, talking on her iPhone while her newborn charge slept.

I did feel a little Schadenfreude….I’m in the anti-nanny-on-the-cell-phone camp (More on that in part III of “Playground Politics”).  But I really did feel bad for the woman who’s unfortunate choice in brassier color was becoming apparent to everyone as water soaked through her white, button-down nurse shirt.

I decided to remove LITTLE GUY from the sandbox, hoping to distract him from this display of poor judgment (The use of water shooters, not the bra color), but he kept returning to admire the big boys.  As we left the playground that day, LITTLE GUY said, “Mama, I want dat gun for watoooo”.

I don’t want him shooting people in the playground or playing with toy weapons.  But if he’s going to turn everything into a gun anyway, and if he sees other kids glamorizing this kind of play, am I just torturing LITTLE GUY by not letting him join the fun?

I still don’t think that a crowded playground is the place for the nuclear death-star of water shooters, but what harm is there in buying a few non-real-gun-resembling, plastic, water-shooting toys for LITTLE GUY and YOUNG LADY to enjoy in their grandparents’ pool?

What do YOU think?

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!
 
Several years ago a Wall Street Journal article by Jeffrey Zaslow caught my eye. It began: 
 
“You, You, You — you really are special, you are! You’ve got everything going for you. You’re attractive, witty, brilliant. “Gifted” is the word that comes to mind.” 
 
The article was titled “Most Praised Generation Craves Kudos at the Office,” and went on to explain how over-praising children had led to a generation of self-centered young adults who craved appreciation and constant feedback in the workplace.
 
At the time, Zaslow’s article struck a chord with me, as 95% of my employees at the New York Kids Club happened to be under the age of 30 and fell into this so-called “most-praised generation” category.
 
While I believed I was doing a good job of recognizing the truly exemplary employees, I wondered if the expectations of the team as a whole were being met.
 
So, I appointed a member of the management team to serve as an on-staff “confetti coordinator” to acknowledge jobs well done by dolling out gift cards and congratulatory notes in an effort to keep up employee morale.
 
I launched an annual company achievement awards program and began hosting a quarterly dinner party to celebrate the performance of five employees.
 
To this day, I am constantly seeking new and creative ways to reward deserving employees.
 
Zaslow’s article came to mind again this past week when I found myself pondering the question, “is the cycle of over-praising our youth repeating itself today?”
 
Perhaps.
 
At the New York Kids Club, we recently implemented a rule that parents and caregivers can no longer reward their two-and three-year-old preschool program participants with a lollipop in the lobby after every single day of class attendance.
 
This came after concern was expressed from other parents in the facility that were not applauding and passing out candy and congratulations to their little ones for taking class.
 
The decision did not come without resistance. Feedback included, “What harm is there in a little lollipop?”
 
It’s not the lollipop that concerns me. It’s how the child will feel the day you’re not right there with the treat.
 
I completely support giving praise where praise is due. But I will never be one to dilute the sentiment of truly deserved recognition by passing out obligatory prizes or compliments at every turn. Not with my employees…and not with my children.

Your turn! What do you think?

In your opinion, are we over-praising our children today?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

Does your preschooler throw the occasional temper tantrum?

If so, your little one could be suffering from “temper dysregulation with dysphoria” or TDD–a diagnosable psychiatric disorder.

This is one of many new labels our children may receive when an updated version of the leading psychiatric diagnostic manual, the DSM-V, is released in 2013.

We’ll add this to the growing list of conditions that have apparently come to plague the youth of America over the past few decades; a list including everything from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Attachment Disorder and Conduct Disorder to phobias and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Consider Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), for example. There was a time when a high-energy child with a vivid imagination and short attention span would have been considered bright and creative. He or she may even have been placed in an accelerated learning program. Today, the same child may receive the ADHD diagnosis and an accompanying Ritalin prescription.

Now, I have always been leery of labeling and medicating our children for behaviors that have been considered a part of normal childhood development for centuries.

On the other hand, I have seen first-hand in my work at the New York Kid’s Club, how severely a hyperactive child who behaves poorly can disrupt the learning environment for the students—and the teaching environment for the instructor. 

Are these named conditions and subsequent medications the answer to creating calmer and more manageable classrooms?

Or are they simply ways of scientifically explaining why our children are behaving like children?

Your turn! What do you think?

In your opinion, are we over-diagnosing and/or over-medicating our children?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

Out of curiosity, I decided to weigh my 13-year old’s backpack.

17.5 pounds!

A recent Consumer Reports study found the average middle-school backpack weighs in at 18.4 pounds, with some weighing up to 30 pounds.

So, I guess this qualifies my daughter’s backpack as underweight… wow.

Why the heavy load? Much of it can be accounted for by the textbooks my child totes to and from school each day in order to complete homework assignments.

Now, as a whole, I believe homework is an important part of the schooling process, promoting independent thinking, time-management skills, self-discipline and responsibility.

However, I also believe there must be a balance between “book learning” and “life learning.”

As adults, we are surrounded by experts preaching the necessity of finding a work/life balance. It’s an ongoing journey–I strive to find that balance each day.

For example, in my home, my husband and I make a diligent effort to prevent business affairs from interrupting our family dinner and evening time together.

But evening time together post-dinner on school nights grows sparser each year as my four children excuse themselves and disappear to their respective study nooks to continue their studies.

In fact, my two high school-aged children spend up to six hours each evening and a total of at least six hours each weekend studying and/or completing homework assignments. Further–every school break and holiday includes hours and hours of homework!

It appears that as the emphasis on high-stakes testing and college competition has increased over the last decade, so too has the expectation that our children spend their school nights, weekends and holidays plowing through homework to keep up.

And I can share from personal experience that too much homework can overwhelm even the brightest students, causing them to disengage from friends, family and school subjects they once loved.

So how much homework is too much? It depends on who you ask. Education experts Peggy Gisler and Marge Eberts believe students should receive 10 minutes each night for each grade.

Harris Cooper, a Duke University professor and expert on homework, states in a Washington Post article that according to studies, “up until fifth grade, homework should be very limited. Kids in middle school shouldn’t be spending more than 90 minutes a night on homework. In high school, the limit is two hours.”

Your turn! What do you think?

In your opinion, how much homework is too much?

Do you believe your child receives too much homework?

If so, how do you handle it?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

My youngest son has a best friend he adores. The two spend as much time together as all adult parties involved will allow, taking turns hosting one another in their homes. My son’s friend is well behaved, respectful and a pleasure to be around.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if each of our children’s friendships was this mutually beneficial?

All of my children, however, have been through phases where I’ve questioned whether a particular friend (or group of friends) was, how shall I say it, appropriate?

One of them will return from a friend’s house with an attitude I’ve never seen before. When confronted, I’ll hear the standard, “Jane talks to her mother like that and doesn’t get in trouble!” or “Everyone else stays out that late, why can’t I?

Of course, we’d like to believe our children will follow the examples set in our homes, even when we’re not around. 

The truth is, even the best parenting cannot prevent a child from possibly falling in with the wrong crowd or experimenting with a new behavior out of peer-led curiosity.

So how do we “manage” our children’s friendships while still granting them the freedom to make–and learn from–their mistakes?

I believe it begins with participation. While I don’t pick my children’s friends, I make sure I know who they are. I talk to my children often about their friendships and I never hesitate to let them know when a behavior they’ve picked up along the way is unacceptable. 

Your turn!

Do you “pick” your children’s friends?

How do you handle “learned behaviors” that come from their friendships?

Have you…or would you…end one of your children’s friendships if there was cause for concern?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

A friend told me a blog-provoking story yesterday–she’d found a notebook in her ten-year-old daughter’s bedroom with a page titled, “Boys I’ve kissed.” The list contained the names of five neighborhood boys, all a year or two older than her daughter.

Now, the first question running through my mind is, “How would I address this with one of my daughters?”

But my friend was focused on an entirely different question: “Should I have been going through my daughter’s things to begin with?”

She felt guilty and wondered if she should even bring it up, considering the way she’d come across the information.

I empathized with her plight.

With four children aged 18 and under in my own home, privacy and personal boundaries are common topics of discourse.

There is a fine line between protecting our children from themselves and others and, well, snooping.

The privacy boundaries are clear when our children are very young–there aren’t any.

Then comes the day when they close the bathroom door.

In the blink of an eye, backpacks, bedrooms, purses, wallets, cell phones, journals and anything else they deem “theirs” become off-limits.

It’s easy to believe the motto “privacy is a privilege,” which implies that if a child is trustworthy, and gives us no cause for concern they’ve earned that privilege. 

In my opinion, even a trustworthy child needs guidance, protection–and sometimes an adult intervention.

Your turn!

How much privacy do children need? 

How do you establish the boundaries in your home?

And, if you did stumble upon something troubling amongst your child’s belongings, what would you do?

LET IT OUT!

Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!

I’d wager to say we’ve all been there–facing one of our beloved children who has crossed a behavioral line.

We know the behavior must be addressed.  And we know there must be a consequence.

Now, in my book, consequences are different than punishments.  Where punishments are really retributions (you hurt me, so I hurt you), consequences fall into the cause-and-effect category.

In a perfect scenario, the consequences are immediate and directly related to the cause. For example, the consequence of not paying your taxes on time is a fine.

The challenge is coming up with consequences for our children that are effective, meaningful and non-punitive.

Adding to the challenge is that, unlike laws–which levy the same penalties for everyone–consequences for children can’t be the same across the board. What works for one child may not work for another.

Take suspending allowances–for one of my children it’s the ultimate penalty; another couldn’t care less.
So, I tailor consequences accordingly (making sure I underscore my disappointment is with the behavior itself and not the child).

Your turn!

What consequences are most effective in your home?

How do you determine consequences; are they the same for each child?

And what are your tips for making them stick- even when it inconveniences you. 

LET IT OUT!
 
Pam Wolf

New York Parents Club Founder, Pam Wolf

Greetings New York Parents Club!
 
It seems every conversation these days includes some reference to the state of our economy.
 
Parents are just as likely to share cost-savings tips, as they are to schedule play dates.
 
Cutting our adult-related costs may seem painful, but we know what to do: skip the lattes, control the impulse shopping excursions, scale back the vacation budget, etc.
 
When it comes to our children, however, cost-cutting decisions are more difficult.
 
There are the obvious necessities: food, water, clothing and shelter.
 
But what about the other money we spend on our children for after-school sports classes, music lessons, tutors, summer camps, gifts, entertainment and even private school tuition?
 
When it becomes necessary to cut back on these expenditures, how do you determine what stays and what goes?
 
For example, I’ve always placed a high value on enrichment activities. (In fact, it was participating in classes with my children when they were very young that inspired me to found the New York Kids Club.) So, in my home, there are many other things we will do without (such as pricy gifts) before cutting back on extracurricular spending.
 
Your turn! Let’s talk about your child-related expenditures. 
 
What, if anything, have you cut back on in your home? How did you determine what went first?
 
LET IT OUT!
 
Pam Wolf